Can I Tell You A Secret?

Last year, instead of the Pop Sugar Challenge, I thought about telling you my real resolution. But I wasn't sure if I could keep it, so I didn't. 

And then I thought about my Resolution and I thought - no - that's not Realistic. I need to make that goal something I can stick to. 

You see, I didn't want to abandon my beloved YA Dystopia/SciFi/Fantasy novels, not entirely. My only real requirement to enjoy a book is that a girl falls in love with a boy.

Or a girl. 

Or a boy with a boy. 

Or a gender non conforming person with a person who does or does not conform to gender binaries. (Although, to be honest, I haven't read that last one yet.) 

To be perfectly honest, the vast majority are girls who fall in love with boys. Often plural. Love triangles run rampant. 

But I digress. My 2017 Resolution. My secret goal? Was to read only Black authors for a year. 

I think it was after I read Small Great Things and near lost my mind with how problematic that book seemed. (Did I post that blog post? Update: I did. But I'm not sure I meant to because it definitely had not been proof read.) ...Will I post this one? I don't know.  As I write this, I can't help but ask that question because I know the truth. I am terrified to write about this. I am afraid that someone will criticize my White Lady Feelings about Black Lives. I'm even more terrified of being somehow congratulated. In fact, I want no one to comment on my feelings about posting this, because how brave is it, really, to post this one blog post? To admit to you that, yes, I made an attempt to read more Black Authors. I was successful,because I forgave myself the original "only" and just said "more." I did that because I was afraid...no, not afraid. I knew, that the "only" would make reading feel like a chore. And I would quit reading then because I work hard and reading is not my job and reading should not be a chore. 

So I failed at only and succeeded at more. (Has there ever been a year where I read only White Authors? ....How many?)

So what was the point of this experiment to read more-Black-Authors-not-only? Well. I don't know. Trump became president and I thought maybe this small act could change something. Like the guy who threw starfish back into the ocean. 

Have you heard that story? Dude 1 is walking down the beach and sees a figure approaching. He realizes Dude 2 is bending down and throwing starfish back into the ocean. They'd gotten washed ashore by the tide. Dude 1 asks Dude 2, "what are you doing?" Even though it is obvious, Dude 2 tells him. Then Dude 1 points out the obvious, "but there are thousands of starfish washed up on the shore, do you really think you can make a difference?" Dude 2 bends down, picks up a starfish, and throws it back into the ocean. "I made a difference to that one," he replies. 

Did I make a difference? 

Perhaps no. The ocean, after all, still washes starfish onto the beach with the tide. 

Trump is still president. 

But.

(Here's the real secret, friend.)

I made a difference to me. 

I changed a small stereotype in my head. 

You see, where I grew up all of my teachers were white. Not surprising, approximately 80% of all teachers in the workforce are white. 

At least, I think they were. My memory is not 100%, so someone may find that to be wrong. They might remember differently. 

Can you think of your stereotype for teacher? 

How about professor? 

I had a professor in undergrad who was the epitome of my personal professor stereotype. 

This professor taught my Honors Humanities class. I thought he was absolutely brilliant. I took all 3 Freshman Honors classes from him, one right after the other. 

He was average-to-tall in height. Had pure white hair that would Einstein out (in my memory. Perhaps his hair was more gray than white. I took this class 10 years ago, you'll have to forgive my memory again). During class conversations, he would lean against the chalkboard, and his sweater with the elbow patches would get smears of chalk down the back. He never seemed to notice. 

He was older, white, and wore sweaters with elbow patches. Is this your stereotype too? 

Well, here's the shift. When you spend a year reading Ta-Nehisi Coates and Ibram X. Kendi, bell hooks and Michelle Alexander and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, you might notice a shift. 

You, like me, might notice that when you think of "professors" and "expererts" you might picture bell hooks or Ibram X. Kendi. Black may seem more synonymous with expert than it did before. It's hard for me to read Ta-Nehisi Coates and not feel a bit inferior, because he's brilliant. His knowledge of history far surpasses mine. 

Have you figured out the real secret? It wasn't just my resolution. 

The secret is I was racist. 

That is to say, I held racist views. I didn't think I was racist. You might not have thought I was racist. 

I still might be. 

...Are you? 

How does that thought sit with you? Do you get defensive and want to tell me how you're not racist? I get that. Me too. I would like to defend myself. But if I take the time to prove how not racist I am, I am not taking the time to unpack how racist I still am. 

Or ableist. 

Or homophobic. 

More comfortable with cisgender. 

I don't have the words for all that I need to unpack. So I'll read. And I'll listen. And I will unbox and dismantle all that I can. 

I will apologize when I realize I'm wrong. 

Happy reading. I will happily take any suggestions for books written by someone who is not white, able-bodied, heterosexual, cisgender, Christian, or living above the poverty line. If you can think of more identities to add to that list, let me know that too. 

(If you want to see the complete list of books I read last year, check out my GoodReads Year in Books it does not include books by 3 of the Black authors I listed, because I haven't finished them. I am a giant poser.) 

The Underground Railroad (5)

The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead

The Underground Railroad follows Cora, from her days as a field hand on the Randall plantation to her experience escaping on the Underground Railroad. Whitehead imagines the Underground Railroad as a literal railroad built underground. You got to see her grow from someone who is treated like a sub-human, who is hopeless, who is alone to someone who gets to experience freedom and begins to be able to trust others and build relationships and create a life and future for herself.

I had heard about The Underground Railroad when it won the National Book Award last year. And I thought to myself, well I know a fair amount about the Underground Railroad. I learned about it in school. Why is this book important now? And then I read it and realized oh, I may have a broad picture of what life was like under slavery or what sort of dangers someone who worked on the underground railroad may have faced but I did not take into consideration the specific impact being a slave or working on the underground railroad could have had on a person's life. I never thought about which means I never really thought about what the historical impact of slavery really has on today's society.

After reading it i'm left thinking about how much things haven't changed. I don't think it's enough to say "slavery is over" if we haven't really looked at the impact slavery had on everyone - both white and black - in the system. If you grow up being treated like property because of the color of your skin, that affects you. And as generations pass and, let's be honest, white people keep fighting to make sure you are being treated as less than them from legal segregation to the current #BlackLivesMatter vs. #AllLivesMatter debate. I wonder when, and if, and how we can work as a society to actually treat everyone equally.

So much of The Underground Railroad showed how afraid white people were of the black people they were subjugating. This fear lead to more and more atrocities being committed against people who were just trying to be alive.

"True, you couldn't treat an Irishman like an African, white n***** or no. There was the cost of buying slaves and their upkeep on one hand and paying white workers meager but livable wages on the other. The reality of slave violence versus stability in the long term. The Europeans had been farmers before; they would be farmers again. Once the immigrants finished their contracts (having paid back travel, tools, and lodging) and took their place in American society, they would be allies of the southern system that had nurtured them." (Whitehead, p 164) 

5/5 - Changed the way I think about the world while being interesting and entertaining from cover to cover. Heartbreaking and powerful.

2017 Reading Challenge (27/40)

I am a sucker for stickers and badges. I thought I had outgrown them, but what is a to-do list other than a list of things you can give yourself a sticker for doing? How good does it feel to put a line through that thing and to loudly proclaim, "I did that! I accomplished that!"

My favorite list of all is the "books to read" list. Mine has gotten completely out of control thanks to GoodReads, my Kindle, Half Priced Books, and constantly being obsessed with new things. But you know what can help a person sort out all of their goals? A LIST! And what makes the list fun? A CHALLENGE!

But what kind of a challenge? In general, there are a lot of good ones out there. The POPSUGAR one is probably the most fun and well known, which of course I know because I like to read about reading almost as much as I like to read. Don't worry about it. Anyway I like it because it is well balanced for fun, diversity & trying new things! I get stuck in a reading rut because I've read too much of the same thing. And Lord knows Amazon, GoodReads, and every other algorithm out there just throws the same stuff at me over and over again (read one John Green novel and you will never escape the angsty teen bestsellers again).

If you want to play along, comment with your list and we can help each other complete the challenge. :) If you want a clean copy, follow the link here

2017 Popsugar Ultimate Reading Challenge

1. A book recommended by a librarian Empress of a Thousand Skies (3/20/17)

2. A book that's been on your TBR list for way too long A Clockwork Angel (11/13/17)

3. A book of letters

4. An audiobook Small Great Things (1/16/17)

5. A book by a person of color The Underground Railroad (1/07/17)

6. A book with one of the four seasons in the title

7. A book that is a story within a story

8. A book with multiple authors My Lady Jane (2/1/17)

9. An espionage thriller Six of Crows (6/27/17)

10. A book with a cat on the cover They All Saw A Cat (6/28/17)

11. A book by an author who uses a pseudonym

12. A bestseller from a genre you don't normally read The Boy on the Bridge (9/2/17)

13. A book by or about a person who has a disability Turtles All the Way Down (11/8/17)

14. A book involving travel

15. A book with a subtitle Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood (4/10/17)

16. A book that's published in 2017 Renegades (12/23/17)

17. A book involving a mythical creature The Mark of the Mage (1/28/17)

18. A book you've read before that never fails to make you smile Pride and Predjudice (11/18/17)

19. A book about food

20. A book with career advice Teaching to Transgress (10/4/17)

21. A book from a nonhuman perspective

22. A steampunk novel

23. A book with a red spine The Guineveres (7/27/17)

24. A book set in the wilderness Ever the Hunted (2/21/17)

25. A book you loved as a child Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (July 2017)

26. A book by an author from a country you've never visited Americanah (01/02/17)

27. A book with a title that's a character's name Borne (7/10/17)

28. A novel set during wartime A Torch Against the Night (does it count if it's fantasy?) (2/6/17)

29. A book with an unreliable narrator A Discovery of Witches (12/16/17) - because I want to believe that character should not have changed the way she did and is therefor magicked and unreliable.

30. A book with pictures Du Iz Tak? (7/6/17)

31. A book where the main character is a different ethnicity than you Flight (4/15/17)

32. A book about an interesting woman The King's Curse (7/29/17)

33. A book set in two different time periods

34. A book with a month or day of the week in the title

35. A book set in a hotel

36. A book written by someone you admire We Should All Be Feminists (10/8/17)

37. A book that's becoming a movie in 2017

38. A book set around a holiday other than Christmas

39. The first book in a series you haven't read before Scthe (5/1/2017)

40. A book you bought on a trip Be Boy Buzz (8/7/17)

Advanced

1. A book recommended by an author you love

2. A bestseller from 2016

3. A book with a family member term in the title

4. A book that takes place over a character's life span

5. A book about an immigrant or refugee

6. A book from a genre/subgenre you've never heard of

7. A book with an eccentric character

8. A book that's more than 800 pages

9. A book you got from a used book sale

10. A book that's been mentioned in another book

11. A book about a difficult topic

12. A book based on mythology

Not listed: a lot.