Can I Tell You A Secret?

Last year, instead of the Pop Sugar Challenge, I thought about telling you my real resolution. But I wasn't sure if I could keep it, so I didn't. 

And then I thought about my Resolution and I thought - no - that's not Realistic. I need to make that goal something I can stick to. 

You see, I didn't want to abandon my beloved YA Dystopia/SciFi/Fantasy novels, not entirely. My only real requirement to enjoy a book is that a girl falls in love with a boy.

Or a girl. 

Or a boy with a boy. 

Or a gender non conforming person with a person who does or does not conform to gender binaries. (Although, to be honest, I haven't read that last one yet.) 

To be perfectly honest, the vast majority are girls who fall in love with boys. Often plural. Love triangles run rampant. 

But I digress. My 2017 Resolution. My secret goal? Was to read only Black authors for a year. 

I think it was after I read Small Great Things and near lost my mind with how problematic that book seemed. (Did I post that blog post? Update: I did. But I'm not sure I meant to because it definitely had not been proof read.) ...Will I post this one? I don't know.  As I write this, I can't help but ask that question because I know the truth. I am terrified to write about this. I am afraid that someone will criticize my White Lady Feelings about Black Lives. I'm even more terrified of being somehow congratulated. In fact, I want no one to comment on my feelings about posting this, because how brave is it, really, to post this one blog post? To admit to you that, yes, I made an attempt to read more Black Authors. I was successful,because I forgave myself the original "only" and just said "more." I did that because I was afraid...no, not afraid. I knew, that the "only" would make reading feel like a chore. And I would quit reading then because I work hard and reading is not my job and reading should not be a chore. 

So I failed at only and succeeded at more. (Has there ever been a year where I read only White Authors? ....How many?)

So what was the point of this experiment to read more-Black-Authors-not-only? Well. I don't know. Trump became president and I thought maybe this small act could change something. Like the guy who threw starfish back into the ocean. 

Have you heard that story? Dude 1 is walking down the beach and sees a figure approaching. He realizes Dude 2 is bending down and throwing starfish back into the ocean. They'd gotten washed ashore by the tide. Dude 1 asks Dude 2, "what are you doing?" Even though it is obvious, Dude 2 tells him. Then Dude 1 points out the obvious, "but there are thousands of starfish washed up on the shore, do you really think you can make a difference?" Dude 2 bends down, picks up a starfish, and throws it back into the ocean. "I made a difference to that one," he replies. 

Did I make a difference? 

Perhaps no. The ocean, after all, still washes starfish onto the beach with the tide. 

Trump is still president. 

But.

(Here's the real secret, friend.)

I made a difference to me. 

I changed a small stereotype in my head. 

You see, where I grew up all of my teachers were white. Not surprising, approximately 80% of all teachers in the workforce are white. 

At least, I think they were. My memory is not 100%, so someone may find that to be wrong. They might remember differently. 

Can you think of your stereotype for teacher? 

How about professor? 

I had a professor in undergrad who was the epitome of my personal professor stereotype. 

This professor taught my Honors Humanities class. I thought he was absolutely brilliant. I took all 3 Freshman Honors classes from him, one right after the other. 

He was average-to-tall in height. Had pure white hair that would Einstein out (in my memory. Perhaps his hair was more gray than white. I took this class 10 years ago, you'll have to forgive my memory again). During class conversations, he would lean against the chalkboard, and his sweater with the elbow patches would get smears of chalk down the back. He never seemed to notice. 

He was older, white, and wore sweaters with elbow patches. Is this your stereotype too? 

Well, here's the shift. When you spend a year reading Ta-Nehisi Coates and Ibram X. Kendi, bell hooks and Michelle Alexander and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, you might notice a shift. 

You, like me, might notice that when you think of "professors" and "expererts" you might picture bell hooks or Ibram X. Kendi. Black may seem more synonymous with expert than it did before. It's hard for me to read Ta-Nehisi Coates and not feel a bit inferior, because he's brilliant. His knowledge of history far surpasses mine. 

Have you figured out the real secret? It wasn't just my resolution. 

The secret is I was racist. 

That is to say, I held racist views. I didn't think I was racist. You might not have thought I was racist. 

I still might be. 

...Are you? 

How does that thought sit with you? Do you get defensive and want to tell me how you're not racist? I get that. Me too. I would like to defend myself. But if I take the time to prove how not racist I am, I am not taking the time to unpack how racist I still am. 

Or ableist. 

Or homophobic. 

More comfortable with cisgender. 

I don't have the words for all that I need to unpack. So I'll read. And I'll listen. And I will unbox and dismantle all that I can. 

I will apologize when I realize I'm wrong. 

Happy reading. I will happily take any suggestions for books written by someone who is not white, able-bodied, heterosexual, cisgender, Christian, or living above the poverty line. If you can think of more identities to add to that list, let me know that too. 

(If you want to see the complete list of books I read last year, check out my GoodReads Year in Books it does not include books by 3 of the Black authors I listed, because I haven't finished them. I am a giant poser.) 

The Hunger Games and the truth about Friday the 13th

Wow, a lot has happened since I last wrote, which is probably why it took me a couple weeks to get another post up. I left one show, did a 24 film fest, and opened two shows. And read three books.

The Hunger Games (5/5/4)
Those are the ratings for all three since I'm not sure I could completely differentiate one from the other after reading them in four days. I would almost go so far as to say Ender's Game lovers would like this one, but I don't want to get your hopes up THAT high. I don't even know what to say about those books except that you should clear your calendar before starting them or you may ditch some people or get kicked out of class for reading or something, and that would be bad. I, for one, started sneaking reading it on my iPhone during a rehearsal I was directing. Yeah, I'm that responsible.

Maybe I should name this post "Lack of Responsibility" instead, I think that may be a pretty accurate theme of this post.

Anyways, the last one was really good, I was just thought that the ending was a little anticlimatic and after all that drama between Katniss and her two guys, it was resolved too easily.

the last Spirit Singers show

Friday the 13th
I've been working with a 7th-12th grade group at my church since last July, and they performed their show on Friday the 13th this year. I kind of laughed when I found out it was Friday the 13th because seriously, what director in their right mind would pick that day to open a show? Tell me how un-superstitious you are all you want, in theater you just don't mess with that stuff because too much could go wrong. So I laughed and thought "Only at church would this happen."

So we started work on this show in like, January, cast in February? (correct me if I'm wrong) and we had 5ish months to put it together.

Three weeks before opening one of our leads got pulled for reasons unbeknown to me. He'd also choreographed about half of the show and couldn't even come to rehearsals to help us work though his choreography. And that was bad, but mostly we all just felt really bad for this student  because he didn't get to be part of a show he put so much of himself into.

And you know what else happened? My co-director, my boss if you will, the pastor who had created this group and had worked at this church for 23 years QUIT HER JOB the night before we opened. She had her reasons and I don't blame her, but seriously universe? How cursed am I?

And I mean, the show went really, really well. I managed to run the sound (cue up a CD player and press "play" and "pause" not real hard work like a mix board or anything), our replacement remembered ALL of his lines even though he'd only been to about two rehearsals, and everyone just did a really fabulous job.

Sometimes my life feels a little like this.

The Truth 
So let's do a run down of the last year of shows I've done:
Law of Life (opened Sat, plays one more day): had to delay opening because other lead/choreographer dropped out two weeks before show, other dance dropped out a few weeks before that.
Prodigal: one lead got pulled a few weeks before opening, director quit
XX Fest: week one other lead got horribly sick, week two I got sick
*Winter Spirit Singers show: nothing bad happened?
Godspell: fired director two days before opening

So at first I looked at this run down and thought "OMG my theatre career is cursed!! Maybe it's a sign!! I should stop doing theatre!!" And then I realized...some of those shows got better after crazy things happened. Maybe I should run with the opportunity I may be given. As far as I can tell from a brief conversation Friday night it sounds like the church's plan is either I run the group or no one does. The only problem is, how can I run a group that meets from 5:15-7pm in Redmond and still do acting in Seattle? What exactly should I be focusing on?

Focus
The one thing I've been managing to do is keep my plants alive.

Now they're taking over my apartment! They're everywhere!!!

My cucumbers are getting big enough I actually have to start worrying about  terracing them.

The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd (4)

UPDATE ON AUDIOBOOKS

Now that I've actually been driving around places, I really, really like audiobooks. I go through at least one a month and it's awesome. This book is the first one I actually took out of my car and played at home, and it was kind of nice to fall asleep listening to it. However, I then had to figure out where I was in the CD when I fell asleep, which was annoying. My car saves my place, which is super convenient. Before, when I was bus-ing everywhere I tried uploading a book to my ipod to listen to, which was really nice except when I listened to music in between and completely lost my place. Which was even harder to find because I sometimes didn't even remember which cd I was on. It was a sad adventure and I never finished that book ("The Prime of Miss. Jean Brodie") even though it was only 3 CDs long. I am a failure.

UPDATE ON THE BLOG

I'm thinking about just writing about whatever I feel like, instead of just randomly talking about the books I read. I may also still talk about the books I read. Or maybe I'll just start another blog that is only about me. Thoughts?

ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT THE BOOK I READ:

 

I wish I was a cool, blog-savvy person who knew how to write this next to the ginormous picture of the book, but I'm not. *sigh* 

Maybe I'll revoke my previous statement about liking audiobooks. I feel less of a response to this book then I usually do when I read books. Usually I read them much faster than it takes me to listen to the book, since I only listen while I'm driving. I think I may have given it a 5 if I actually read it, but since I didn't, I didn't really know what I wanted to rate it, because I didn't remember how much I liked it...maybe I'm just weird.

Short Jananopsis (where I tell you what I think is important, which may not be what Amazon or the back of the book says its about):
Basically, this girl deals with her mom dying and hating her dad and the South sucking and no one liking her or her only friend, who happens to be an older black woman named Rosaleen. She runs away from home because Rosaleen tries to register to vote and ends up getting arrested and Lily (the girl) thinks she's going to get killed in jail, probably because she is (she spit on a white man's shoe who just so happens to think that black people shouldn't vote. Or have rights. Or not be slaves.). They end up living with these sisters who make honey and they just pretend like they aren't running from the cops.

I think You'll Like this Book if You Like:
-Ya-Ya Sisterhood
-other Sue Monk Kidd novels
-fun cultures

You May Not Like This Book if You Don't Like:
-women (or women sitting around talking)
-coming-of-age stories
-bees
-sad things occasionally happening. (It's not a totally depressing book, but I definitely cried)

Coming up Next:
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (which so far is amazing. I don't know why I'm writing this instead of reading it.)
OR PERHAPS -
one of the many books I've already read and haven't written anything about because I'm lazy. And had a broken laptop.

And after that:
I really want to read a laugh-till-you-pee book. Like Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging. But for adults. So more like Bridget Jone's Diary. Maybe I'll read the second one?

I also need a car-audiobook. For that I kind of like books I've been putting off for awhile. But now I've been out of school and actually reading so that list is dwindling fast. Perhaps Patty Clark, Ha Ha Ha? I don't want anything super depressing because crying on your way to work is awkward. Suggestions?

Yours in absolute nerdiness,
Jana :D

VOTING! & The Lost Symbol - Dan Brown (5)

If you liked The Da Vinci Code, you'll like this. It's set in DC, which I liked because I'm more familiar with the area so I was like, "Oooo! I know that building! I've been there! I've seen.....well no....not that....seriously? Is that even true?"

I'm better at writing about books just as I finish it, but I finished this on Thursday and then was really sick so I never wrote about it, and now I have no real opinions except that it was awesome and some "Oh! That [mega spoiler] part was so crazy! I was so pissed and then...." do you want to know how I felt? No. That'd be like telling you the ending of a Harry Potter book. I'm not that lame.

Anywho so I was real sick and started reading The Other Queen, which is not my favorite Philippa Gregory and I might not finish it because I was bored. Nothing happened and I know how it ends and I hate all the characters because their dumb or doomed. That's probably why I loved The White Queen, because I had never studied that part of the story and I had no idea what was going on.

And I had to return Three Cups of Tea, but I checked out the book, so I might finish that soon, but I already started my first Agatha Christie! And then I got a whole bunch of books from the library! What is a girl to do? I think I'll just catalog my books because I have a zillion.

OMG, I just realized one of the books I checked out today is in large print. I don't think I'll read that one because it looks like someone's shouting at me.

So, you choose! What book should I finish first:
a) Three Cups of Tea - Greg Mortenson & David Oliver Relin
b) A Murder in Three Acts - Agatha Christie
c) The White Queen - Philippa Gregory
d) None of those, pick a new book!

The Virgin Blue - Tracy Chevalier (4.8)

Oh dear it's been awhile! In my defense, I have actually managed to procure a job, which starts next week because I had a three day job planned for this week, and I had some auditions to prep for. The real reason behind the delay is that I just didn't have any books I felt like reading and preferred to watch Netflix. Instant watch is both a blessing and a curse to those with lots of time on their hands. Or those who don't have the self control to turn it off even though its past their bedtime.

Enough excuses. I loved this book. I thought I might, because I've liked Tracy in the past, but the premise reminded me of a favorite book from when I was 10 or 11, and I am a grown up now, so that was a turn-off. (If you don't know me, or tongue-in-cheek doesn't transfer over the internet: note that I still love Harry Potter and don't think I'm a pretentious snob, however much I wish I was.) Here is how the back starts, "Meet Ella Turner and Isabelle du Moulin - two women born centuries apart, yet tied together by a haunting family legacy," ...snore? But then at the very bottom it says, "A beautifully crafted story shot with vivid colors," and the cover was so pretty that I just decided, "Why not? The library closes in 10 minutes and I have nothing else to read." Well, The Times (London) was right, it was beautiful, and I loved every page of it. Whoever wrote the blurb should re-write it.

Actually, I'm not sure I liked it as much when I first started reading it...but it gets good and it ends fabulously. It's one of those books that always makes me feel so connected to my fellow women. It has that feeling of the secret mystery of being a woman that I always love in a book. The Red Tent had a similar feeling, and so did The Color Purple. I loved those books too. You should read them. The Color Purple first, it was better. And shorter. But if you're a sucker for historical fiction, The Red Tent is super good.


The Virgin Blue is the third Tracy Chevalier I've read, and I think it's my favorite of them all, then The Lady and the Unicorn, and then Girl with a Pearl Earring. However, that is the order I read them, from most to least recent, so they very well may be equally good and I just like the most recent best. If you like Philippa Gregory, but a bit more poetic, less sexy, and without any (for this novel) historical fact, you'd definitely like this. Oh, and there's some magic. Sort of. And we all know I'm a sucker for all things magical.

In the CD player: Three Cups of Tea
Next to read: ....good question! Obviously I need to stop by the library again. I have another Margaret Atwood, but I'm feeling something different. Although I'd totally read The Red Queen if I can get it from the library.
Also awaiting others returning them to the library:  The Lost Symbol - it'll be my first Dan Brown since high school! I got a little too into him and read like...all of his books that were out right after The Da Vinci Code, and I felt like he was trying a little too hard to be Michael Crichton, so I stuck to the original.
Maybe I'll read the sequel to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I know I have that somewhere...

The White Queen - Philippa Gregory (5)

Ok, I have to admit this, I love Philippa Gregory. I love history for its stories, but I have a hard time keeping them straight. So I like being able to follow the story all the way through, even if I don't know how much is completely true and how much is questioned. But really, history is written by the victorious, so we always have an interesting side of the story, don't we?

I also have to admit that I like the part when people are falling in love and happy more than when they are plotting over the thrown. Politics don't interest me as much as love...which is probably why I'm really bad at history in general because I space out about who's fighting who and why and would prefer a good battle at Troy over the lovely Helen with goddesses arguing over whose best.

This book has the good fortune to be as historically accurate as possible, has some love scandals, war, magic, curses, politics, everything you could ask for in a well-rounded novel. So if you're into that kinda thing, definitely read it.

Now, dear reader of mine, tell me: what time period of history interests you most? I've always taken to books about Ancient Greece (mostly mythology), Cleopatra, Elizabeth I, and the Holocaust.

Pirate Latitudes - Michael Crichton (4)

I wish this book had been published while Crichton was still alive, because I feel like its missing some of the suspense most of his novels have. There isn't really enough tension in it. Don't get me wrong - this book makes Pirates of the Caribbean look like a children's movie. It's about real pirates, not pretty-boy Orlando Bloom. Captain Hunter has all the finesse of Jack Sparrow without the lurking question of how he could possibly think through his boozey stupor. Yet no matter how bad things got for Hunter, I just wasn't on the edge of my seat...

Feel free to disagree. If you like anything that has to do with pirates, and can handle the gore of actual throat-cutting pirates, you'll probably really like this book.

The Lost Boys - Orson Scott Card (5)

This is a 5 of the page-turner variety. It's a little bit of a horror novel, but it's Card so it's still a little sweet (if you've read the sequels to Ender's Game, you know what I'm talking about). If you're a computer person, you may giggle a little, as the main character is a programmer and this was written in 1980-something.

A brief synopsis: Step Fletcher, his wife DeAnne, and their 3.5 children (DeAnne's preggers) move to North Carolina so Step can start a new job. Turns out, a bunch of little boys around their oldest son's age have been disappearing. Also, Stevie is tormented by his teacher and fellow students so he only plays with his imaginary friends. But soon you have to ask the question, "How imaginary are these friends?" dun, dun, dun!

You should definitely read it. Fair warning: you'll need a Kleenex at the end.

What is the saddest book you've ever read?

The Penelopiad - Margaret Atwood (5)

This is definitely a 5 because I love Atwood's style - I always devour her books. I also love Greek mythology, and The Penelopiad is Odysseus' wife's side of the story. It's a pretty read but not much happens. If you like poetry and looking at flowers, or are a particular Margaret Atwood fan, definitely read it. If you would prefer something fast-paced and plot-driven, you'd be better off reading The Odyssey.

I sometimes think of books like these as mythological fan fiction. Do you have a favorite mythological story? Or have you read some mythological fan fiction that you found particularly good?